The application of Paul Atreides. Also known as Muad'dib. Or Paul Muad'dib. Usul. The Kwisatz Haderach, Lisan Al'Gaib, Emperor ... ah, hell. My friends call me Paul.
1. What is your favorite cheese? Why is it your favorite?
Synthetic, and imbued with the spice melange, like practically everything I eat.
2. Who would you kill first, Barney or Carrottop?
Whichever needed killing first. Then I'd kill the other one.
3. What time is it where you are?
20:44 Arrakis time.
4. If you were Albus Dumbledore returned from the dead, which member of the Order of the Phoenix would you sexually harass? How would you harass them? If you are Albus Dumbledore, please answer as if you were Sirius Black.
The Order of the Phoenix -- is that similar to the Bene Gesserit? If so, I would not harass any of them. It would be futile.
5. If you are pushing to be in:
A. Slytherin - please state the clever, witty name of the bar in which you bartend, in the dark.
I would name it in honor of my dear departed longtime friend and trainer
whom the Tleilaxu keep cloning in order to beguile me
. Duncan Idaho.
We would specialize in vodka and in potato snacks.
B. Gryffindor - Debate whether Harry should ultimately end up married to Fred or George. Use examples from a variety of world mythologies to bolster your argument.
Fred and George must fight to the death. The winner weds Harry.
C. Ravenclaw - You guys are supposed to be smart. Explain why my desk is inundated with paperwork at all times, even though I'm constantly disposing of it.
You are unskilled at delegation.
D. Hufflepuff - Prove you are not useless.
As the culmination of a breeding program centuries in the making, I am
pretty damn near perfect
possessed of many talents. I have the gift or curse of prescience. Probably unique among all humans, I have both Bene Gesserit and Mentat training, which means I can figure out really complicated stuff with my brain, and use Command Voice to boss people around. I also supervised an immense terraforming project to bring greenery and vegetation to Arrakis, altering its weather for good. I'm told that eventually, this led to the destruction of its native ecosystem and the sandworms who produce the spice melange.
Why didn't I think of that? The Fremen didn't say anything about that. They just wanted vegetables.
Oh, I'm also really good at aphorisms. Like this one here: "What do you despise? By this are you truly known." Or this one: "Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife -- chopping off what's incomplete and saying: 'Now, it's complete because it's ended here.' " OK, so that one was a bit narrower in scope. But it's still good, I think.
6. Offer a bribe to the members of this community so that they will not squib you. Items used in bribery do not necessarily have to belong to the person offering the bribe. Do not threaten us rather than offering a bribe. A threat indicates you either don't really want to be here, or don't have enough sense to answer the question properly. The hat will automatically squib you, regardless of other votes, if you do.
I'd offer you some of the spice melange, but I only have enough of that for my personal use if I'm to be here indefinitely.
Plus, it's addictive, and it will turn your eyes freaky blue. Not a good look.
So ... let's see. I can offer you the use of my bride, the Princess Irulan. She's suffering from neglect and could use the attention anyhow. If that doesn't suit your tastes, how about a ride on a sandworm?